Church Observations and Questions

Church Observations and Questions

This is probably why I am not allowed to take notes at church generally. Here is a sampling of some of the things that go through my mind…

 

Observations:

  • For some reason I am very uncomfortable when they announce that the scripture reading is found on page #666 in the pew Bible.
  • That time you put the fruit of the vine cup back in the tray and you notice it has lipstick on the rim of it – you weren’t wearing lipstick.
  • The cute baby who sat in front of me at church should take most of the blame for me not paying attention in Bible class.
  • 95% of all people who say they are using their phones or tablets at church for their Bible are really playing Candy Crush and Trivia Crack.
  • I find it odd that my son who plays video games for 12 hours straight without peeing suddenly has to pee every 15 minutes when we are at church.
  • Side hugs – adultery proofing our Christian relationships one arm at a time.
  • Prayer – how Christians get around the sin of gossip… “Pray for sister so and so. She is having an affair.” (contributed by Teresa Vieira-Irvin via Facebook)
  • I don’t know if the songwriters of some of our hymns ever sang their songs out loud the way the phrases are written and broken up. I struggle with singing songs like “Are you sow-ing the seed of the king-dom bro-ther,” because when sung the way it is written in the book you really are saying, “Are you sowing the seed of the King dumb brother?”  That’s a totally different question and kind of insulting when sung the way it is written.
  • The congregation seems to get particularly quiet during a sermon on “social drinking.”
  • When the preacher asks you to turn to a particular verse during the sermon, and you turn right to it on your first try, you seem to sit up a little taller and hold your Bible a little higher for others to see that you turned to it faster than they did.
  • When the song leader just stands up front and doesn’t move his hands or arms while leading the singing – it really doesn’t matter – the congregation still sings it the way they want to sing it.
  • ‘Bama fans that lead singing always seem to work some song into the mix that has the word ‘scarlet’ in it. It’s odd to me though that scarlet is generally associated with sin – Coach Nick Satan – just sayin’.  Though Your Sins Be As Scarlet…
  • When the song leader supposedly uses an app on his phone to get the right pitch for the song, I am pretty confident that he is either shooting off a quick text to a friend or taking a selfie.

 

Questions:

  • Is it a sin to sit while singing I Stand in Awe of You?
  • Do you lose any spiritual salvation points for falling asleep trying to listen to a long prayer?
  • Is it really “breaking the bread” if it crumbles in the plate or you have to tear it?
  • Why don’t we solicit from our visitors? It’s their fault that we have to expand the building – they should pay for it.
  • Do I get full credit for my attendance if I sleep through part of the sermon?
  • Why is it that conservative women’s head coverings are made out of lingerie?
  • Why is it that I eat 500% more mints during church than at any other time?
  • Do we really pray through His name when we finish a prayer with in-Jesu-nay-we-pramen? Does God hear those? (contributed by Chris Barclay via the blog)
  • Does your prayer count when you pray for someone and don’t call them by the right name, because you really aren’t 100% sure what their name is?  And do you get negative prayer credit when people start referring to that person during the announcements with the wrong name, because of your poor prayer?
  • Have you ever noticed that every single person at church, when you ask them, is always doing, “fine?”  I wonder if ‘fine’ in the original Greek language means, “I am really doing pretty poorly, but since we are at church, I am going to pretend everything is all right, because that is what is expected, and really you don’t want to know the truth, you just want to seem polite and pretend that you care.”  That might be a loose translation, but I think pretty accurate.
  • Are people only immodest in the Summer time?  You generally hear the Sunday Summer Sermon about modesty in late Spring.  I don’t think I have ever heard a sermon in December about modesty.  I wonder if they preach sermons about modesty in December in Australia?
  • I wonder how many conversations actually happen after the preacher says, “I’d be very disappointed in you if I ever found out that you drink alcohol… but, please feel free to come talk to me about it.”
  • Is it politically correct to proclaim how proud we are that we attend with such a diverse group and then sing a song about everyone becoming as white as snow?
  • Does everyone really close their eyes during the prayers? I hope so, because one time while partaking of the bread during the Lord’s Supper, either part of it or a bug went down the front of my dress – during the prayer for the fruit of the vine, I went fishing to see what it was. (contributed by a loyal reader)
  • I wonder what genre some of our church songs would be based on titles alone?  Some of them sound kind of horrible if you don’t know the context…
    • Prepare to Meet Thy God (Mafia Movie)
    • Let Him Have His Way With Thee (Hip Hop)
    • Blessed be the Fountain of Blood (Horror Film)
    • Christ Has No Hands But Our Hands (Horror Film)
    • Here I Labor and Toil as I Look for a Home (Anti-Obama Commercial)
    • Here We Are But Straying Pilgrims (Pro-Immigration Reform Theme Song)
    • I Wandered in the Shades of Night (Vampire Movie)

 

Do you have any other observations or questions to add to the list?  Comment below…